Ropes

Darting about in a never ending spiral

swarming histories, 

subconsciously tying up their same knots 

I want to un-pick every single one of them

It seems i spend my time in a perpetual cycle of tying knots and untying them again

I make knots in my dreams

In my absence thoughts 

On train journeys 

In giant rooms of people

I’m so good at them

You taught me well

I am the fucked up apprentice of a rope restorer 

Learning a new trade

Trying to stamp down the old one

It takes an awful lot of practice

I wonder will they fire me

I’ll be left wailing alone in a pile of old knots 

Buried under them

It must be infuriating watching me make ropes and tie them back up again

Over and over 

amateur 

 

I want so much to undo the voices 

After all they are not my own

They were chosen for me by you

You can have them back

You the ones who loved me 

licked my wounds with salty tongues 

 

In your anger and fury you locked them safely in my brain

Their they lie dormant until I see your shadow

Your shadows are everywhere

I try to ignore them

insolent child you are

little piece of shit

nobody will ever love you if you behave like that

never show your darkness for it is unlovable

never tell your anger because it is unacceptable

Your needs do not count 

you must only count the needs of others

put your own aside, put yourself aside

Don’t be selfish 

 

Ear reddening shame washes when I lose my shit

I lose my shit because I live in fear that those voices are truth

And sometimes they become so loud I can no longer tell myself they don’t count

I believe them again 

I am sure I will eventually be found out by those who love me and set aside

Only a matter of time

I ignore you mostly

Destructive hateful words, 

there is no place for you here

I try to live my best life

You only get one life 

I try to savour every second of your love

To be the best lover to you

To kill these thoughts

And see you for you

Life for life

I have windows sometimes but these walls were made high

These walls were made strong

In turbulence the curtains are drawn 

it all falls out 

I am a monster

I will push you away

I will show you all my horrible and wait

I will wish to die 

Self pitying, victimising ball of fury 

polluted I am

I long for a last drag of peace

I can not hold your anger

Because your anger means the end of the world

Constantly searching for approval 

I have to grow up

I have to re-mold and reshape the trash in my brain

Otherwise it will always go the same way

I will be the unlovable insolent child 

I will play the part you gave me.

I have no crutch anymore

I can’t cover it all up under smoke and mirrors

The shape of it stands and I have to hold it

Sad lonely monster

Unlovable failure 

I have to shout back louder than you 

Muffle you out with my own voice 

NO! 

I am not a monster

I am lovable

I am capable

I am not a monster

I am lovable

I am capable

Untied I am not a monster 

Untied I am lovable

Untied I am capable

Untied I can handle living

Untied I have a right to be living

Untied I am living

Louder than you

Stronger than you

Creator of  my demons 

I will wrap them up and tell them 

You are safe

You are safe

You are safe 

I will become a  master of my trade.

Still

 

I imagine i'm laying on my back on frosty grass

I’m hot from the bath

I am naked 

I am alone

The air is crisp 

The light pale 

our sun far off 

Steam swirling from my body

My chest is rising and falling 

Eyes wide and staring 

Up ribbons of colour

All around is still sleeping

I don’t have to be anywhere

I don’t need to do anything

I’m not good

I’m not bad

I’m just breathing

xx xy yyxx

 

Love is not reckless

It waits patiently for the tide of things to run their course

And does not judge too harshly

Love tries to see through others eyes 

Love lets the other breathe

It does not play with hearts for fun

Or try to mould or shape you differently

It does not expect perfection

It allows softly for all the human things

Love is open

It is strong and it is kind

Love has room for emotion

Love stands as an equal by your side

Love is sincere and doesn't lie

Love will center and not suffocate

Fast and slow 

Love possesses nothing

with life

beats 

Is

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